honors and awards (for which I would qualify)

• Lifetime Achievement Award for Wanting a Lifetime Achievement Award, Despite Having Done Nothing to Earn It.
• Best Supporting Actor for an outstanding performance when being shown a friend's tattoo and acting impressed by it despite actually thinking that it looks terrible.
• A fully endowed fellowship that goes to the person who has made an outstanding scholarly contribution to the study of what can be worn at least one more time before putting it into the hamper.
• Award given for excellence in judging strangers who are innocently walking by a yogurt shop in an outdoor mall.
• Honorary doctorate for appearing to know more about cool bands than one actually does.
• Award for Perfect Attendance on Earth for Whole Life So Far.
• Trophy for special achievement in leaving just enough liquid in the juice container so that the next person who uses it will have to throw it out.